royalty lately, ladies and gentlemen. it is king tempt-a lot-of us. >> [ inaudible ] >> just arrived from georgetown and we're going to send him back. >> oh, man. happy hallow obenshain tried to outlaw. birth control pills. rape or incest. criminals, felons shows, a month law, in bulk. instead of dictating to women, criminals. this ad.

( band playing "late show" theme )

>> from the heart of broadway, broadcasting across the nation and around the world, it's the "late show" with david letterman. tonight... plus paul shaffer and the cbs orchestra. i'm alan kalter. and now, all tricks, no treat, david letterman! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by worldwide pants and cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause )

(cheers and applause) >> dave: nice to see you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the program. happy halloween, everybody. (cheers and applause) the by the way, congratulations to the boston red sox! what do you think of your current world champion -- world series boston red sox. (applause) the m.v.p. was david ortiz. what have a series this guy had. and the boston fans after the series was clinched last night they went crazy and a bunch of rowdy young i guess teen punks actually tipped over david ortiz. (laughter) crazy. immediately after the game they awarded him with the m.v.p. trophy and a drug test. so that was good. (laughter) and we have for you now a segment we like to call "cheer up, st. louis. cheer up, st. louis." take a look.

it's called cheer up, st. louis." >> you've still got your beloved st. louis rams whose 3-5 record puts them in fourth place in the n.f.c. west. troubh change your smoke detector batteries this weekend. ." there you go, "cheer up, st. louis." by the way, here is some more good news for the st. louis cardinals. i just found out earlier need obamacare does cover choking. (laughter) now, i don't want to be a wet blanket and ruin the celebration for the boston red sox and their fans and so forth but isn't red sox offensive to native american hosiery makers? >> paul: yes, i would say so! >> dave: i mean, if you think about it? >> paul: absolutely, because -- (laughter)

>> dave: and, speaking of good sports, earlier today the new york yankees released this congratulatory message for the red sox. take a look at this. >> the new york yankees would like to extend heart felt congratulations to their arch rivals, the boston red sox, on their eighth championship? 109 years. we'll match our 27 championships in the year 2271. good luck, fellas. see you at the ballpark. (applause) i thought that was very nice. i don't know. i guess i'm alone in this but it's halloween and i don't care anymore about halloween. (laughter) i mean, i go through the motions like most things in my life but i just don't care. earlier tonight the little kiddies came around and i -- you know, i gave it frozen turkeys.r i don't even know what i was giving out.

by the way, let's turn on the camera at my house and see if the trick-or-treaters are out in the neighborhood tonight. can you turn on the -- there are the kids right there. >> paul: oh, they are -- >> dave: hey, wait a minute. hey, that's my car! look at that! oh, those kids. (applause) you know -- you know who's a genius when it comes to this wiretapping stuff is vladimir putin and he used to be with k.g.b. and now he's the president of russia. this guy is crazy evil genius. he -- when they had the big -- the g-20 summit in moscow, he gave out party bags to everybody who was there and contained in the party bags were devices that they would take home, the world leaders, and they would then be monitored by the russian spy people, the k.g.b. people. >> paul: unbelievable. >> dave: little devices so everybody got -- hey, look at this! they plug it in and now the russians follow and track every move that everybody makes.

and also included in the gift bag, this was nice, a shirtless photo of himself. i thought -- (laughter) the i think we have some things here -- right there. there he is. (applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (laughter) anybody try to sign up for the obamacare web site thing? (laughter) just -- did you? did you? it doesn't work. i mean, they've now got it to the place where you can play angry birds, but that's as close -- (laughter) -- as you can get to signing up for anything and the web site, the problem is it is -- it crashes. the web site honest to god it's

crashed more times than lindsay lohan going home from a party. (laughter and applause) just one after another. it's halloween, all your t.v. show hosts put on the halloween outfits. this was matt lauer today on the "today" show. (laughter) there's george stephanopoulos dressed as george clooney on "good morning america." next we have hoda and kathie lee these are adult men and women making a living on network television. >> paul: yes. >> dave: and we do have morley safer on "60 minutes." take a look. here he is, morley safer. >> it sometimes seems america is appropriately -- (laughter and applause) >> dave: that's right, morley safer. ladies and gentlemen, happy halloween to our friend paul shaffer!

>> paul: absolutely disgusting! good evening, everybody! ♪ >> dave: ladies and gentlemenñin the program tonight we have halloween costumes, little kids from the neighborhood. we'll be right back, everybody.3 "...three cat toys, two hamster wheels..." ♪ "...and a rawhide enough for three." ♪ ho, ho, ho, ho... (female announcer) celebrate the season! right now, all specialty pets are on sale! and save up to 20% on select exoterra® reptile or kaytee® hamster habitats. at petsmart®. ♪

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♪ ♪ >> dave: hi, everybody. nice to see you and welcome back. thank you. thank you, paul. >> paul: pleasure, david. >> dave: you know where we are, ladies and gentlemen? we're at my house. (laughter) it's just beautiful, isn't it? now we're ready for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters and tonight we're going show you some wonderful new halloween costumes. (bell ringing) come on in! happy halloween! oh, my -- trick-or-treat is right, my friend. good heavens. (laughter) that is a wonderful costume. what is your name?

>> lucas. >> dave: nice to see you. are you enjoying jours? >> yes. >> dave: are you having a lot of fun? >> yes! >> dave: that is some combover. (laughter) look, everybody, it's a thrilling image of strong leadership, a shirtless vladimir putin on a horse! there is there he is! (applause) well, i'm so happy you stopped by tonight, lucas, and i want you to have a nice time. look what we have for you. you're not going home empty handed. look, it's clamato. it's clams and tomato juice. j. mm-mm good, am i right? all right, my friend, you be good out there. thank you, sir. there goes lucas, everybody. (applause) paul, you've been to my house, haven't you? you've been up here? (bell ringing) hi, come on in!

easy! careful! can you get in there? here we go. that's it. (laughter) that's a little cumbersome,9÷mkf all right. how about this, ladies and gentlemen? what is your name? >> jack. >> dave: jack, nice to see you, and happy halloween. (laughter) look, everybody, it's one of those rotating slabs of meat you can buy on the street here in new york city. (laughter) are you having a nice day? >> yes! >> dave: how old are you, jack? >> eight. >> dave: do you like this is the rotating meat? >> yes. >> dave: yes. (laughs) and why wouldn't you? all right, let's see what we have for you. oh, look at this! i think this will be just perfect. you know what this is? this is a half-in thed sweater. (laughter) i'm gonna give that to you. there you go, enjoy it. be careful and happy halloween. >> thank you! >> dave: nice to see you, jack. take care of yourself, buddy.

(applause) (bell ringing) hi, come on in! oh, my! oh, my! you look lovely! what is your name? >> isabella. >> dave: that's a beautiful name. you're a beautiful little girl. how old are you? >> eight. >> dave: do you enjoy hall sfwhen >> yes. >> dave: did you pick out this costume? >> yes. >> dave: you did a wonderful job she's apologetic about the health care web site, but she's hoping for candy. it's kathleen sebelius, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) look at her! the you're just -- you absolutely look lovely. look at this, party ice, new (laughter) what do you any there you go. it's going to be a little heavy, sweetheart. thank you, isabella. happy halloween. is (applause) (bell ringing)

wow! (laughter) look at this! yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the cold weather disaster, it's the chapstick that opens in your pocket. (laughter) (applause) how are you? >> good. >> dave: what's your name is >> simon. >> dave: simon, nice to see you. are you having a nice halloween? >> yes. >> dave: do you ever use chap snick >> um -- i use it a lot every -- almost every night. (laughter) >> dave: have you ever had one explode like this in your pocket? >> no! i don't carry it around. >> dave: you get it from your folks? they give you the chapstick. >> yes. >> dave: well, i must say your lips look terrific. >> thank you! >> dave: now have you and i met before? >> i was here last time. >> dave: you were on here last time? >> yeah. >> dave: so that was a year ago so you've made it back this year for halloween.

>> yes. >> dave: that means you did a good job last year and you did a very nice job this year as well so maybe we'll see you again next year. >> okay. (laughter) you know what this is? >> no. >> dave: this is what i'm going to give you for trick-or-treat. >> okay. >> dave: you want to take a guess what that is? >> um -- a bat? >> dave: this, my friend, is a taxidermyed weasel. >> okay. >> dave: you'll be the only boy in new york with your own weasel. (laughter) i'm going to put him right in there. okay? all right, good luck to you, my friend. maybe we'll see you next year. thank you. >> okay. >> dave: bye-bye, simon. (applause) (bell ringing) hi, come on in. oh, hi! seems like that costumes are getting bigger and bigger.

do you need some help, sweetheart? hi, look at this. excuse me, watch it, you hit me with one of your turrets. pbs viewers will recognize this elegant costume. it's "downton abbey." (applause) how are you? >> good. >> dave: what's your name? >> haley. >> dave: where you from? >> um, i'm from riverdale. >> dave: oh, riverdale, nice neighborhood, isn't riverdale. do you enjoy halloween and trick-or-treating and you have? >> yes. >> dave: you've done a nice job here tonight and we have something for your bag, hail lift how old are you? >> i'm nine just today. today's my birthday. >> dave: today's your birthday! oh, happy birthday! (applause) i'm very, very happy birthday for you. (band plays "happy birthday." you have braces don't you. how long do you have to wear braces? >> i don't know. >> dave: even with the braces you couldn't look more lovely. you have a beautiful face. so don't worry about the braces.

(applause) do you know what this is? this is a c.b. radio. (laughter) you get hours and hours of pleasure out of that, haley. all right, thank you, honey. now, be very, very careful, okay? bye-bye, sweetheart. (applause) (bell ringing) (bell ringing) >> dave: i heard it! oh, my gosh! scared the heck out of me! oh, for heaven's sakes, look at this, ladies and gentlemen. >> trick-or-treat. >> dave: it's frustrating, it's mysterious but now it's also adorable, it's a non-working automatic faucet. where do you -- how do you -- i can't -- what am i supposed to? >> paul: not quite working. >> dave: how come i -- how are you doing? >> good. >> dave: what's your name? >> arlo.

>> dave: nice to see you. where are you from? >> new york. >> dave: new york city? you lived here all your life? >> yup. >> dave: how's that going? >> good. >> dave: you having a nice time on halloween? >> yup. >> dave: you enjoy dressing up? >> yup. (laughter) >> dave: you and i know each other, don't we? >> yup. (laughter) >> dave: where did we meet? did we meet somewhere? were you here last year? >> yup. >> dave: listen, you must have done a good job last year or you wouldn't be here this year. and so far tonight you've done a great job so i expect to see you next year. >> thank you. >> dave: (laughs) you know what we have for you, arlo? look at this. you know what that is? >> no. >> dave: egg foo young. (laughter) there you are, my friend. nice to see you and thank you very much! (applause) the (bell ringing) >> dave: i'm going to have that

bell disconnecte >> t-or-trea >> hi, how are you doing? come on in. nice to see you. that's an excellent costume. you know who this is, ladies and gentlemen? it's world-acclaimed famous comedian louis c.k. louis, nice to have you with us. good to have you here, buddy. (applause) well, i have this. it's a model of a knee. you ever go to a doctor's office and he would be able to tell you why your knee hurts if you get to be my age and he'll point out the arthritis and maybe you've got some tears and he can fix that up. we got that right out of an orthopedist's office. it was on the guy's desk. you think you'll enjoy the? >> yeah. >> dave: yeah? (laughter) what's your actual name? >> leo. >> dave: leo, good to see you. i'll naught right in there my friend. leo, thank you for stopping by. have a lovely evening.

louis c.k., ladies and gentlemen. (applause) (bell ringing) >> dave: uh-huh. oh, good heavens, look at this! whoa! this one makes your blood run cold, doesn't it? hi, how are you? >> good. >> dave: you know what this is? this is obstructed view seating, ladies and gentlemen. is (cheers and applause) oh, my gosh! i hate that! (applause) wow. are you all right? >> yeah. >> dave: what's your name is >> brooke. >> dave: where are you from, brooke? >> um, peer month. >> dave: where's peer month? here in new york? >> yeah. >> dave: you came in to be on the trick-or-treat snow >> yup. >> dave: very nice. nice to see you. how old are you, brook? >> i'm nine. >> dave: nine. do you have brothers and sisters? >> yeah. >> dave: how many of which? >> i have one sister. >> dave: what's her name? >> haley. >> dave: oh, my gosh was that haley out here earlier tonight. >> no. >> dave: of course it wasn't. is (laughter) well, when you see haley please tell her i said hello and happy

halloween. >> okay. >> dave: all right. for you we have a canadian passport. (laughter) thank you very much, sweetheart, you look lovely. (applause) okay. i believe that's it, ladies and gentlemen. there's your trick-or-treat costumes for this year. (applause) we'll be right back with tonight's top ten list and harrison ford, everybody. (applause) ♪ it's an extremely simple tool. but also extremely powerful. it could be used to start a poem. or finish a symphony. it has transformed the way we work, learn, create, share. it's used to illustrate things, solve things and think of new things.

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